Both Sides of the Coin:

A Nurse's Take on Parenting Our Parents

Let me paint you a picture: I'm a former nurse who spent years working in nursing homes. I've held countless hands, navigated endless paperwork, and watched families struggle with decisions they were never prepared to make. I thought that experience would make everything easier when it came to my own family.

And let me be honest, it both did and didn't.

Here's what nobody tells you – even when you know the system inside and out, even when you've guided other families through this exact journey, it hits differently when it's your own people. I've lived this story from every angle: the professional caregiver, the daughter, and now the daughter-in-law. Each role comes with its own complex set of challenges, emotions, and lessons.

Let's talk about my parents first. They were the planners, the ones who did everything "right." All the legal paperwork was filed away neatly before we ever needed it. Powers of attorney? Check. Advanced directives? Done. They even had their funeral arrangements spelled out, including their wish for an intimate service with just immediate family, no viewing. It was a decision that raised some eyebrows among extended family, but having it in writing meant I could honor their wishes without second-guessing or family pressure. That clarity was priceless during an already emotional time.

Did having all this in place make losing them easier? No. But it made honoring their wishes possible, and let me tell you, that's a gift that keeps on giving. Even when Covid threw us some curveballs and we had to adapt their carefully laid plans, we still had a roadmap to follow. As their executor, I had a clear path forward, complete with an elder care lawyer who became my lifeline through the estate settlement process.

Now, fast forward to present day, and I'm living the flip side of this coin with my in-laws. Remember all that neat planning I mentioned? Yeah, throw that out the window. Despite my husband's repeated attempts to have "the talk" (and no, not that talk – the other uncomfortable one about aging and end-of-life care), they pushed back. Hard. Every. Single. Time.

So here I am, making calls to doctors, coordinating with home health nurses, arranging for home health aides, and setting up palliative care – all without a blueprint of what they actually want. My husband, their only child, is drowning in a system he never learned to navigate, and I'm watching history repeat itself in all the ways I hoped it wouldn't.

Let me be crystal clear: This isn't about blame. It's about reality. The reality is that tomorrow isn't guaranteed, and emergencies don't schedule themselves at convenient times. They don't wait until you're "ready" to have difficult conversations.

So here's my professional and very personal advice:

If you're reading this and haven't had "the talk" with your aging parents, do it now. Not next week. Not when it "feels right." Now. If they push back (and many will), try this perspective: "If I don't know what you want, how can I make sure to honor your wishes when you need me to?" It's hard to argue with that logic.

Get an elder care lawyer. Every state has different laws, and trust me, you want someone who knows the legal maze before you're stuck in the middle of it. I cannot stress enough how valuable our lawyer was during the estate settlement process.

And for the love of all things holy, start planning your own end-of-life arrangements. Yes, even if you're young. Yes, even if you're healthy. Yes, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Because here's the brutal truth: the only thing worse than having to make these decisions for yourself is forcing someone you love to make them for you without any guidance.

I've seen this story play out hundreds of times – as a nurse, as a daughter, and now as a daughter-in-law. The endings vary, but one thing remains constant: preparation doesn't prevent pain, but it does prevent chaos. And in times of crisis, that distinction matters more than you can imagine.

Your future self (and your family) will thank you.

P.S. If you're wondering where to start, here's a pro tip: begin with a simple conversation about values and quality of life. The paperwork can come later, but understanding what matters most to your loved ones? That's the foundation everything else builds upon.